# 9 A La Carte Catholicism

If you have met some Irish people, you will note that they are “spiritual” people. The Irish love religion. It provides a nice framework for their lives; Baptism at the start, confirmation for the teen years, marraige for family and last rites for death. 

# 8 Southsiders/Northsiders

Whenever three or more Irish people congregate there is a natural tendency for them to take a Northside position or a Southside position. Every Irish city, town and village has a northside and a southside with the divide usually represented by a physical landmark usually a river. Northsides and Southsides are not official adminis

# 7 Probably the Best Fans in the World

The Irish are very serious about fandom. They are fans of winning teams and fans of firing losing managers. The Irish have high expectations of their sports people especially when they have contributed to their upkeep through buying a National Lottery scratch card.  So when they mort

# 6 Black People

Irish people think they are black people.

Fact # 1 Irish people are not the black people of Europe, black people are.

Fact # 2 The Irish did not build America and the British empire. They were built on slavery of Africans. 

Fact # 3 Irish people do not have”soul” like Black people.

Fact # 4 Black people have dark skin that has adapted to sunnier climates. Irish people are a white fair skined race that easily burns when exposed to long term sunshine. Being burnt is not the same as being black. 

Fact # 5 Irish people feel guilty and sympathy towards African Black people that is why for decades they have contributed to the “black babies”, sent missionaries to convert them and recently Bono to annoy them. Irish people suffering famine does not make them black people.

# 5 Fast Food

 

Irish people are born with a taste for any food that sizzles in hot fat. The Irish love fast food and take to it with great gusto; fish and chips, hamburgers, pizzas, curries and Chinese food. The delicate pallets of the Irish consumer is not weary of experimenting with the couture of foreign foods from Europe, American (Mexican/Tex-Mex), Indian, Polish and African dishes provided they are fast to serve and deep fried.

Not alone did the Irish import global branded fast food chains like MacDonalds and Pizza Hut, they invented a few of there own like Supermacs, Eddis Rockets and Abrakebabra.

Public health officials are increasingly concerned at the impact that fast food has on the health of the Irish public. They argue that fast food has lead to the average Irish becoming obese and that they are nearing the top of the league of nations in regard to rates of heart disease. Public officials have quoted fast food as being a “heart attack on a plate”  Most Irish ignore public health warnings in regard to fast food because they know that traditionally the Irish diet has placed heavy emphasis on meat and dairy. They point to their ancestors and indicate that they got on perfectly fine on such diets. All that the modern Irish has done is introduce the frying pan.

#4 The Angelus

 

Irish people have a passion for the Angelus on RTE because the Irish have a passion for bell chimes and what they mean. The Irish national broadcaster RTE broadcasts the angelus bells at 12pm and 6pm every day on the national radio station RTE Radio 1 and at 6pm on the national television station RTE One. The television version of the Angelus at 6pm consists of a bell ringing for the duration of one minute and is accompanied by images of people pausing in contemplation. 

The sound of bells mean different things to different Irish people; there is the bell chime from our school days to announce the end of class or get back into class, there is the bell chime in the local shop that announces when we enter and want to be served fast and it’s a great anti-shoplifting measure. Irish people are condition to respond to bell chimes from a very young age. 

To the Irish the best bell chime of them all is The Angelus on RTE. The Irish love the Angelus because it is time out and a marker for the day. Time out is always good for Irish people because it allows them to think about life and their ultimate destiny because all the other times they are thinking about property prices and the cost of childcare. It appeals to the Irish psyche to drop everything and just say nothing. Most Irish people in the know will bless themselves and say a few prayers. Some Irish people try to carry on conversations while the Angelus chimes in the background but it just doesn’t work. That bell is incredible effective in making any Irish person contemplate the higher issues in their lives and then suddenly its news time. The chime of the Angelus is very reassuring and brings order to the Irish day.

Periodically, the broadcast of the Angelus becomes the focus of public controversy especially with the secular liberators. The main point of their argument seems to be that the ringing of a bell promotes a particular Irish belief to the exclusion of all other beliefs and that an arm of the state (RTE) should not be promoting any belief. 

But the Angelus along with News and the Weather Forecast are the longest running ‘items’, on RTÉ. The Angelus has been broadcast almost every day since 1950 and most Irish people hope it never stops ringing.

# 3 Rain

 Irish people talk incessently about the weather. When Irish talk about the weather they are really refering only to rain or the lack of rain. They don’t refer to the sunshine or heatwaves because that is a non occurance in Ireland. They don’t refer the meaning of weather to the cold or snow because that has disappeared years ago due to global warming. No when the Irish talk about the weather they are only referring to rain. 

Similar to the Eskimos having 50 words for describing the varities of snow ,the Irish have a similar number for describing rain like, “it’s soft” (light misty rain), “it’s pouring” (Heavier lumpy rain), “it’s pis*ing” (Sharp, pointy rain), “it’s shocking out there” (Hurricane-force rain) etc. When it rains, which is most of the time, the Irish wait patiently for a break in the weather (which seems for ever and it is), then when they experience a dry couple of days there is national panic that a drought is on. Even when the Irish go abroad to sunnier and drier climates they cannot stop thinking and talking about the weather or rain. In Spain or South of France, you can often hear the Irish saying, while sunning themselves on the beach kind of homesickly, “Bet it’s pis*ing at home”, or to the local farmers,” We could spare ye a shower, it looks like ye need it.”

It is the first and last thought that enters the Irish person’s head each day; the weather. When two Irish people meet, they start and finish the conversation with a reference to the weather, and more often then not the middle of the conversation is taken up with the weather also, especially when there is a momentary silence that has to be filled. It is important to realise that Irish people talk about the weather because they want to avoid talking about themselves and their feelings. That would be too deep and involve too many explanations. It is so much easier for the Irish person to talk about the weather, and to a person every other Irish gets the hidden meaning behind the references to the weather anyway. 

# 2 Taytos

The word “TAYTO” sounds japanese but its as irish as shamrock. Taytos are the iconic packet of crisps beloved of Irish people all over the world. If you want a true taste of Ireland don’t drink Guiness but eat a packet of Tayto crisps, the cheese and onion variety. The Irish love their crisps; Sam Spuds, Walkers and Pringles but Taytos take pride of place in the heart. Tatyo sells over 750k packets of Crisps a day! That is a lot of munching. Even though Mr Tayto and Mr Potateo Head bear a strinking resemblence they are not related, with Mr Tayto being created in 1954 by one, Joe Spud Murphy. All Irish kids grow up never call crisps other by the name;Tayto.

# 1 Irish Mammys

They say Irish mammys have a lot to answer for just because they raise their Irish sons to worship the ground they sweep with the brush. Irish women are raised to despise irish mammys because their hubbies compare them to the unattainable sainthood that is their mammys. No bad word can be said against his mammy, the weakest, most coward of gaelic men will take up arms to defend his mammy’s honour to the death. Call an Irish man anything under the sun, but don’t ever call his mammy, ever! The women in this fair land cry fowl at the thought of landing a man who all his life has been waited on hand and foot; a mammy’s boy on occassion has been heard to say “you don’t fry the rashers like mammy”, “you don’t cuddle him like mammy”, “you don’t mind the house like mammy” or the worst comment of all the deepest cutting is “you don’t love me like mammy”. Irish women know they can’t compete, so their solution to this irish of problems is to raise a mammy’s boy all for themselfs, who will worship them every day of their lives and thereby enact the same pain on future generations of irish women.